The Future: a Creation, Not a Circumstance

The future might seem to some a figure of their imagination, a speck of light at the end of a tunnel, or something that is in the hands of a higher being. To me, the future means finding my place in the world, establishing my career, and living my life. As soon as I leave CCHS, my future involves college, graduate school, possibly working at a zoo, and possibly involved in a steady relationship. During my twenties, I want to be focused on school and establishing my self as a Zoologist. I hope to be studying at UC Davis, where I plan to receive my Masters in Zoology and working for an Aquarium. In my thirties, I hope to have a family, living in either San Francisco or Los Angeles, and continuing my work helping innocent marine animals. My friends from high school will still be in my life, as we all begin growing old together. More than likely, all of my girls will have started families, as I will be the only one not having kids. I do, however, want to have them, just not so early in my life. As a zoologist, my work will involve long hours and fieldwork in many different countries, so starting à family isn't the best. Hopefully, I will be traveling around the world, helping to bring animals out of endangerment. Through my forties, I will more than likely have ended my career working as a zoologist and focusing more on veterinary medicine. During this time, I will also hope to be working on my art, painting, sketching, and making ceramics. I will also want to be involved with various car clubs, designing paint schemes for the exterior, and palettes for the interior. Beyond my forties, my life possibly involves relaxing and finally being able to take my life into my own hands and watching my family grow. During this time, I will be focusing on my art and my family. Though my future may seem a bit dull, as long as have done what I came here to do, I will be more than happy. Who knows, maybe my life will turn out to be something I didn't see or plan.

Tainted Love

a needed escape
a trusted mind rape
in a cloudy haze
fallin for your lip
catch me before i slip

i just wanted you to know
that baby you're the best
leave me with a kiss
and lay me to rest

here i go again
losing another friend
climbing up from the end
breaking my heart
scars left to mend

i just wanted you to know
that baby you're the best
leave me with a kiss
and lay me to rest

sticks and i am stoned
words can hurt you
dreaming in purple and blue
bruised memories gone black
like sleeping beauty
bring me back

i just wanted you to know
that baby you're the best
leave me with a kiss
and lay me to rest

baby you're the best
leave me with a kiss
and lay me to rest

In you I gave my all

In the darkest hour of night

Iridescent rays of light

Implode my mysteries

Infinite in history

If examined

Is all but famine

Intricacies of a webbed mind

I have lost what was mine

Instilled in my heart

Inescapable never apart

Infants we once were

Intimacies now a blur

If all I will have is love

Infest me with it from above

Messages

Twas a night unlike any other

The wind began to make the house shutter

A chill came across so dead and haunting

Not a soul alive should witness such a feeling

The candle flickered

The flame became wicked

As if laughing at what was to come

Every bone becoming numb

A vile of Bella Donna in my hand

I take a little to calm when

A voice whispers in my ear

So soft and unclear

Dear saddened soul

Why must you cry

A heart left not whole

Will eventually die

Let go of the past

For those who have passed

Are watching from above

Feel their praise and love

Live each day as if it will end

For soon you will see them again

Echoing Kerouac

1. Stars are stationary

    Reach out and grab one

2. Lights awaken me

    Too bad I live in a cave

3. Carried an extra pair of shoes 

     even though I walk barefoot

4. Just finished the last of the weed 

     having gotten nowhere with time

5. Turquoise leaves glitter in the rain

     Trees cry blue lullabies

6. Yellow cat eyes stare back at me

      My eyes change color

7. It’s 4 am Saturday

    There they go again

     I don’t think he fucks her right

     She’s laughing

8.  Dr. Pepper is delicious

     Yet, who is he

9. Television is a vision itself

     Where has the inspiration gone

10. A counter clock-wise clock ticks

      We are traveling back through time

Dear A,

I am not a sinner

But a procreater

Through my temptations

We created a nation

Of a species bound by love

Influenced by good and evil

God dancing with the devil

We knew no better

We were born from the same blood

Sharing a piece between one another

Giving all that is sacred and pure

Shared by true love for lust

Tasting what is poison

Only breathed life into us

Endangered

Endangered

A perfect world is but a dream

We are all at fault

Trying to revive what is forever lost

Brining back the past, an impossible task

Under the ash and the cries

Life is lost to selfish habits

Telling us to turn a blind eye

Change and we’ll stop noticing

Seeking shelter from the acid storm

Holding wind to keep you warm

Seasons have no beginning to end

Winter becoming Summer

Falling leaves and death

Eminent in Spring

Endangering all by cursed atoms

If all of our days have no more light

What is that to say about life?

We are at fault for making the world what it is

Pollution and global warming killing the living

Endangering all because we don’t recycle

Poisoning the sea with cigarettes and debris

When will we learn from our selfish habits?

Today, some years ago 6/20

Suddenly you whisper by
In the shadows lurking shy
Met the world today
Sadly also taken away
I feel you near
Echoing love so clear
Descend from your wings
For it is time to dance and sing
I sit with a candle and tears
Holding you close all these years
Happy day old friend
Until this time again

Mind Games

Hopeful faithful emotional broken confused used vulnerable mistake played games sin him open elated drunk faded chance romance friend foe familiar unknown passionate not worth it same heartless remains tears wasted years jokes smoke learn burn sex vexed text tests pressed together thoughts lost forever

Father, I Apologize

Father, I apologize

Father of Creation I ask you to listen

As your daughter I mean no disrespect

For what people say I am, I had no choice

It was you who gave me the tools to my demise

Fallen deep under the spell of that ruby

We had no intention of disobeying

If he wasn’t tempted, this world you dreamed

Would not exist

You taught me well

But as all little girls we don’t listen

Virginal and pure

Lust over came and led me to ill will

I apologize for the disappointment

But I am still the precious one you wanted

In this garden I sit and cry

Believing I have ruined your idea

Of a perfect woman

I am not, for I am only human

Dear Alice

The rabbit passes again

A calling to follow

Wonderland waits

In the shadows they approach

To the party I go

What’s the matter says the hatter

I do not know how

The question isn’t how

It’s a y…the letter the word

The wonder

Why do you wonder about the how?

Maybe for that matter what is the what?

A cup of tea for thee?

Two clumps? A spot of cream?

A, this is not a dream

I continue on

Journeying through

As if déjà vu

To the beach I see

The walrus and the oysters

So cute and little

Innocence and ignorance at play

I stand dreaming

As the waves caress me gently

Where to now rabbit?

Trippy Tea Party

Jack Kerouac: The "White Rabbit" of the group. Leader of the Beat Movement, severe alcoholic, currently drunk and slurring his speech.

Allen Ginsberg: Hippy/Mad Hatter, wearing a top hat like that of the Mad Hatter, high on opiates. Recites some of his poems to the group

William S. Burroughs: The "Caterpillar," the wise one who keeps the group together in conversation smoking from a hookah.

Bob Kaufman: Coined the phrase "beat-nik," plays the role here of the Cheshire Cat, satirical and mythic. Only present when he feels it necessary

Courtney Love: Alice, high and drunk on many substances, questioning her reason for being at this tea party

Joan Rivers: The Red Queen, criticizing everyone and yelling when the attention isn't on her.

Trippy Tea Party

Set in modern time San Francisco as if the poets are still alive. Everyone is sitting in a circle around one stationary microphone. In the middle, a table is covered with a hookah, a blunt still burning in an ashtray, a teapot filled with whiskey and glasses all around. In the background, Pink Floyd is playing softly.

Courtney: Yo, like what the fuck is going on? Who the hell are these old fucks?

Joan: Oh shut it you hag! Off with your head!

Allen: Courtney, you know, we are those Beat folks.

Jack: Achh, she wont know who we are, Al. In two minutes, she’s gonna be passed out again.

The group laughs

William: But this is our dear Alice…She knows not what she thinks for she has a drowning brain.

Joan: Excuse her. She’s just completely lost it. Pour me another there Al.

Courtney: Hey! I’m awake…right?

She reaches to take a hit from the blunt

Allen: “I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,”

Jack: We’re not destroyed. We’re still doing the same shit we’ve always done! Just now with crazier dolls

Joan: Off with his head!

Allen: “with dreams, with drugs, with waking nightmares, alcohol and cock and endless balls,”

William: Just another day at the office for us all.

Kaufman: If I may, before I don’t, you are all just mad

Courtney: Story of my life, there Mr. Hatter

Joan: So what are you gents up to lately?

William: Fancy you ask Ms. Queen. May I say, you look amazing for your age…any new surgeries?

Courtney: How the fuck can they pull her face anymore?

Joan: Off with her head! Bitch, have you looked into a mirror lately?

They laugh hysterically

Allen: Ladies, please…here, have some more

He hands Joan the pot of whiskey, which reads, “Drink Me” and the hookah to Courtney

William: (taking a deep hit from the hookah) To continue my Queen, things have been faring well. I might say that we are more famous now then ever.

Jack: Yea yea yea…same shit different city. (He pours himself another glass full then loudly chugs it) Crazies are everywhere no matter where you go.

Allen: “Moloch! Solitude! Filth! Ugliness! Ashcans and unobtainable dollars! Children screaming under the stairways! Boys sobbing in armies!  Old men weeping in the parks!”

Kaufman: (strumming a guitar, humming a chant) Hmmm ieeeooo hmmmm

Courtney: Like this shit is too dry. I’m just gonna fuckin like (she dozed off)

Jack: See, told ya’ll. 

William: Wake her please? This party cannot go on with out her.

Joan: Off with her head!

Jack: Let me tell you all something, this shit, this now wont be much tomorrow. The pigs are gonna find us and rape us and take us for what we got. The politics we face are bullshit

William: Jack, now calm down. No need to bring hysterics

Jack: Ey these dolls wont get it anyhow. (He pours himself another and chugs it)

Courtney: Whoa…like still you people are real?

William: Alice, this again is not a dream. But welcome back.

Courtney: Ahh shit…

Allen: Alice, babe…just enjoy the vibes. “Dreams! adorations! illuminations! religions! the whole boatload of sensitive bullshit!”

Courtney: Naw this is some dream. When I’m sober none of this shit happened. Queen Bitch, fuck off with your head. All you hippies it was kinda cool. Call me sometime. Silent dude, peace.

Kaufman: (Still strumming and humming) Yup

William: Dearest Alice, please follow Jack again. To you all, good night

They all say their goodbyes and the music slowly turns down.

End

5/16/89

Why wasn't he able to watch me come into the world?

Why did I look just like him even though he's gone?

Why was I the wished one?

Why did you name me so innocent when you knew I wasn’t?

Why was I a poison to your body?

Why was there so much violence?

Why did a man bite a dog?

Why did that cop have to shoot a taser and kill that man?

Why would a mother slip cocaine into her kid's backpack?

Why would someone douse a child with gas then set him on fire?

Why was this day filled with sadness for all?

Why was I born into a grey world bringing you happiness?

Silence

Silence

You will not smother me
I will have my poet's voice
My woman's voice
My voice

You will not come to me
And wake me in my infinite sleep
As I will die with my voice
And live on forever with my words